Listen to the story:
Snow crunches under my feet as I make my way to the big white barn carrying a large pail of water.
Once inside, the sound of clucking fills my ears, and the smell of grain and dust irritates my nose. I look around the room at the horse stables we’ve repurposed as a winter chicken coop.
My mom and I moved to our hobby farm in August 2021. Since then, we have been turning it into a place for rescue animals to live out the rest of their lives in comfort and for us to find solace and mental well-being.
Moving in, August 2021
Time felt like it was slowing down. My palms were damp as the car rolled up the gravel driveway after a forty-five-minute drive from Winnipeg.
We finally arrived at our new eight-acre farm property in rural Manitoba. As I exited the car to start unpacking, my 11-year-old dog, Rambo, whined and pawed at the door excitedly. After I opened the door for him, he bounced off the seat and ran into the open field next to our new house.
In his excitement, he knocked over a cardboard box, leaving a picture of two-year-old me embracing my old pit bull Lexie face up.
My mom adopted Lexie when she lived in Los Angeles, and she lived with us until her passing at 16. When Lexie was around, I never truly felt alone. Whenever I was unhappy as a child, she would sit beside me and place her head against my knee. I could feel my anxiety settle when my hand stroked her coarse fur.
I put the picture inside the box and carried it inside. I called Rambo, and he ran across the yard, following me into the house.
Unopened boxes lay scattered across the kitchen the floor. I went up the stairs, and Rambo followed me.
In my new bedroom, the dog relaxed in the warm sunbeams cascading from the window while I dug into the box and pulled out my high school diploma.
Overcoming Failure, July 2019
Since I was about 12 years old, I knew I wanted to work with animals. I wanted to be a zoologist and study how wild animals interact in their ecosystems. I dreamt up this plan to move to Australia and work at a wildlife sanctuary where I could spend all day surrounded by animals.
Grade 12 Biology and Pre-Calculus Mathematics were the optional electives I needed for the Faculty of Science at the University of Manitoba to accept my application. However, my grades required a minimum of 80 per cent to get in, and I struggled to pass my math class.
At age 15, my psychologist diagnosed me with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and social anxiety. It has made learning challenging for me.
ADHD is a medical condition often diagnosed before the age of 12. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that symptoms include excessive daydreaming, forgetfulness, fidgeting, and carelessness. It can present itself in many different ways. And social anxiety is the extreme fear of being judged and watched in social settings.
For me these diagnoses mean getting distracted easily, forgetting small details, and excessively overthinking. ADHD is not something people grow out of but treatment can include therapy and medication.
Having ADHD and anxiety sometimes makes me feel like I’m trapped in my mind, unaware of what is happening around me.
I sat in class one day after school to discuss my grades with my math teacher, who was explaining how the final exam would work. The information overload made my ears ring, and my breathing grew deeper. Yet, I couldn’t tell him I had a panic attack for some reason. I always found it easier to keep my emotions inside rather than asking for help.
When our meeting finished, I walked out of the room with racing thoughts like, “what if I let my teacher down? What if I fail?”
I could only focus on those thoughts until I took my exam a week later. Then, when my final marks came in just before graduation, I found out I didn’t pass.
Failure
Stupid
Worthless
These negative words filled my head.
Feeling like a failure is common for people with ADHD. A study published by Health Expectations studied 52 adult participants with ADHD. Most participants expressed the idea that, “they want to, but they can’t.” When people explain that they can’t do something, they tend not to pursue it further. People with ADHD struggle to deal with the concept of “nothing working out the way they want.” That mindset can affect self-confidence resulting in a lack of motivation and leading to actual failure.
While I considered giving up the goal of rescuing animals, I knew I could find an alternate path. Eventually my mom suggested we purchase a hobby farm.
My mom always wanted a large acreage where she could live off the land and raise her own animals. That idea stemmed from visiting her grandfather’s farm every summer as a child. She had fond memories of when she helped him operate the tractor and pick herbs in the garden. Purchasing a farm would help her feel that peace and connection to him again.
Farming a challenging hobby. It takes time to find the right property. Every year it costs thousands of dollars to care for the animals. And we knew we wouldn’t profit from the farm for a few years while we got things set up.
But we created a list of how much we needed to save.
Changes From the Pandemic, March 2020
Eager to start planning our move, we saved money and made goals for ourselves, like what kind of property and how many animals we wanted. But, as soon as the COVID-19 pandemic hit, we were forced to abandon our plan. Like everyone else, we were trapped at home.
Failure
Stupid
Worthless
These negative words filled my head again.
A Dying Garden, June 2020
During the first summer of the pandemic, we did what we could to feel like we were on a hobby farm. We chose to garden like we do every summer.
But nothing grew. The shade from the trees in our neighbours’ backyards made it impossible for us to grow even a tomato.
As the summer progressed, I grew tired of our garden. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy getting my hands dirty. Rather, I felt like I was failing the garden because I couldn’t get anything to grow. I stopped gardening and started to lose interest.
I felt like a perpetual grey cloud was hanging above my head.
But I was still determined to keep our plans. In April 2021, we began the house-hunting process until we purchased our property in August of that year.
Heading outside to grab more boxes, I looked at the open field where we planned to grow our new garden. Then, I began envisioning all the plants we would grow with the fresh soil and abundant sunlight.
It reminded me of when we visited a family friend’s farm in Winnipegosis in 2008 and I helped pick carrots from the garden. After pulling the carrot from the earth, I chewed it. The taste of dirt lingered in my mouth while I wondered what it would be like to have a hobby farm one day.
I was seven years old. I remember looking around the ample open space across from the house, I saw two horses eating hay bales. To the left of the horse stable, stood a tiny shed where I would later choose to spend most of my day.
My mom’s friend, Janice, the owner of the hobby farm, greeted me with a hug and showed us around her property.
We walked to the back of the house, where she kept her garden full of vegetables and flowers.
The final stop on our tour was the tiny shed.
I opened the door and saw a litter of six kittens nestled with their mother. I was filled with joy. I stepped in and sat down on the ground allowing the tiny kittens to climb on me.
“You can adopt one kitten,” my mom said.
I squealed with excitement, but I couldn’t decide. I wanted to keep all the kittens, so I had to weigh the pros and cons.
I chose the orange one and named him Pumpkin after my favourite holiday, Halloween.
That cat was the first pet I was fully responsible for looking after.
After unloading the remaining boxes, I checked out our large white barn. My mom’s friends, Kelly and Kassandra, had a red barn just like it on their hobby farm, which my mom had always admired.
While Kelly and Kassandra used their farm for produce, they also found comfort in their animals. They enjoyed getting up every morning to care for their animals — milking cows or feeding pigs felt good.
Silence at the Party, October 2013
We often visited Kelly and Kassandra for Halloween parties they would throw on their 40-acre property. But when all the adults arrived, my social anxiety would set in, so I’d wander off to find the nearest animal.
Arriving at the party, I noticed how packed the place was with people. I generally stayed behind my mom at all social gatherings like this, hoping no one would talk to me.
Minutes passed, and loud chattering rang in my ears. It was dizzying, so I stepped outside onto the wrap-around porch and wandered into the moonlight. I headed straight to the small shed.
I shivered as the cold wind brushed my hand as I opened the coop door. I stepped inside and watched the clucking chickens scamper around the room. Then, sitting on the floor covered in wood shavings, I watched the birds peck around, getting every scrap of grain they could find.
As I sat there and listened to the clucks, my heart rate began to slow, and I began to calm down. Eventually, I felt at peace and could return to the party.
Finding Connection, October 2022
In the year since moving, we’ve put a lot of work into getting our farm running. We repaired the barn roof, built the garden that now grows an abundance of tomatoes, and raised healthy chicks, all thanks to the help of our friends and family.
After we bought our hobby farm, we learned Kelly and Kassandra were selling theirs. They said they were moving to live closer to family. Luckily, their family owns a farm, so they aren’t losing that connection with animals that they said helps with their mental health.
Unfortunately, this meant my mom and I would no longer have them as mentors as we had hoped. I decided to research to see what connections I could make in our community.
I came across a nearby farm called The 10 Acre Woods. Their mission was to provide injured or abandoned animals with a safe home. They also occasionally mentored farmers in the area and educated them on animal welfare.
A New Mentor, November 2022
Hardly able to see out of my windshield through the snowy weather, I spotted a large wooden sign that read ‘The 10 Acre Woods.’
Tara McKean, the owner of the property, greeted me with a bright smile and put her snow shovel away.
As Tara opened the barn door, I heard clucking from the chickens and a quiet lowing from the calf they just recently rescued. The calf looked up as if it is also welcoming me. I stared at the heart-shaped birthmark on his head. I knew this farm was a place of love.
Tara and her husband, Mark, have owned their hobby farm since 2001. Tara says her passion for her farm grows every day. Before purchasing her farm, she lived and grew up in Winnipeg, but she always knew the city wasn’t where she wanted to be.
“I struggled with mental health issues as a teenager,” Tara told me, walking over to pet the calf, “and animals were a way of helping me cope with it.”
Tara led me to the far end of the barn and opened the gate to where the goats lived. Then, Tara sat with the animals allowing them to come to her.
The 10 Acre Woods is home to approximately 100 animals. Tara said each animal receives a name because they are like family to her. Tara meets her animals’ needs before anyone else’s.
When animals are well kept and treated fairly, she says they can better support humans in terms of mental health.
The International Journal of Caring Sciences said that sitting or interacting with farm animals can help improve the moods of people with disabilities. This is because the presence of animals can help put people in a state of relaxation.
“This is the best therapy and I get to live it every day,” Tara said.
Tara’s mental health has improved. She says the energy of the animals helps calm her down. She welcomes people from the community who may need help to visit her farm.
She told me a story about a young volleyball player who was injured in an accident. The injury took a toll on his mental health while he recovered.
Tara said she would invite him and his parents to the farm to cheer him up. So, she let the boy sit with the animals for however long he wanted to.
The boy would return to the farm occasionally to see the animals again. One day while observing the young boy, Tara noticed her rooster approaching him.
“It’s unusual for roosters to be so social,” she told him.
The rooster’s strange demeanour piqued her interest. She continued to watch as the rooster approached the boy. The rooster crowed and crowed. Almost like it was saying, “I’m your friend now.”
The boy returned to the farm for three more times, and the rooster sat on his lap each time. Tara said she noticed the boy’s mood shift from desolate to more at ease once the rooster sat with him.
The story reminded me of something my mom said when I rescued my orange kitten in 2008. “Sometimes animals choose you.”
Eventually, with time, the boy recovered from his injuries and could play volleyball again.
Marlene Hubert first visited The 10 Acre Woods in 2016 because she wanted something to help her cope with her anxiety and depression. She always had a fondness for animals and hoped spending time with them would help clear her head.
During her first visit, Marlene found a small piece of wood under an oak tree and sat down, taking in her surroundings. Then, she closed her eyes, and enjoyed the warm sunshine on her skin as she listened to the sounds of sheep bleating in the distance.
After a few minutes, two sheep, Turbo and Lambert, approached her. Lambert sat down at her feet. At the same time, Turbo put his head against her leg and stood with her. As she stroked the sheep’s wool, she said she began to feel her body relax.
“It was just so calming,” Marlene said. “It’s just an amazing feeling of energy that they give you. Like they let you know, ‘I’m here. You’re okay. You’re supported,'”
Since that encounter with the sheep, Marlene has regularly volunteered at The 10 Acre Woods. Every Saturday, she drives to the farm from Winnipeg and helps with an event called Open Farm. At this event, people of all ages come to learn about the benefits of farming and being with the animals.
She said volunteering at the farm has improved her mental health because it brings her joy to help others. She also loves the community of friends she’s built on the farm. She says Tara and the other volunteers allow her to talk about her emotions.
“You know [Tara’s] always willing to help others, even if it’s just a simple thing,” Marlene said. “Her energy on the farm is just so calm and peaceful.”
Chickens run across the cement floor of the barn as I walk toward their nesting area made of empty cat litter boxes filled with wood shavings. I peer inside the box and see a small brown egg on the shavings. I pick it up delicately and put it in my pocket.
Since my visit to The 10 Acre Woods, my mom and I have felt more confident in our connections with the community. We seek help from neighbours when we need advice on our animals or our garden.
My dreams of working with animals has finally come true. We rescued two rabbits and four sugar gliders from owners who could no longer care for them. We plan to rescue goats and donkeys next year to fill the stables. And we plan to grow more vegetables to share with the community.
While I have not cured my mental health disorder — nor will I ever — I have been able to find things that help keep me calm in times of distress. Some people with ADHD and social anxiety find exercising or reading a good book helps them manage, but for many other people, including me, the calming energy of spending time with animals is what makes me feel at ease.
Walking towards the barn exit, I take one final look at the chickens before I close the door for the night.
Successful
Smart
Kind
Those words enter my head as I walk across the yard toward home.
